Sometimes its okay to cry

Sometimes I need to give myself permission to be sad. Sometimes I need to mourn. Sometimes I need to be able to mourn the fact that I am not able to do the things that I wish I could. Sometimes I need to be able to mourn that I am not the wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister that I wish I was. Sometimes I need to mourn the life that I used to enjoy. Sometimes I just need to cry.

When I let myself cry, the sobbing comes from a deep place inside of me. I have learned that when those feelings surface, I just need to let them be felt so I can release them. I've learned that if I try to deny those strong feelings of mourning, there is damn of emotion that builds up and when it bursts it isn't pretty.

I allow the mourning to come when I am alone, because the last thing I want is for anybody to see me cry. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or worse to think I feel sorry for myself. Because I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel grateful to be alive. I feel grateful for all of the health that I do enjoy. Being sick has made me appreciate things that I never appreciated before. I appreciate being able to walk down the stairs because of the many days that I do not have the strength to walk them. I appreciate being able to cook my family a simple meal because of all of the times that I don't have the energy to cook. I appreciate being surrounded by so many people that are been willing to bear my burdens with me. I appreciate a loving Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ more than I ever because I finally realize how dependent I am on their mercy.

After I let myself weep, I feel refreshed. I feel like a green meadow after a summer storm has passed. I feel renewed and ready to move forward. I used to beat myself up over feeling so sad. I would try to control the sadness, turn it into gratitude. And while I am definitely a proponent of putting on a smile and moving forward, I have learned that sometimes the best way to put on a smile and move forward, is to stop for a minute, have a good cry and then pick myself up and keep walking.

As we learn in Ecclesiastes 3-

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

We need to take the bad with the good. We need to take the happy with the sad. It's wonderful to laugh, but sometimes it's okay to cry.

Our Deepest Fear is not that we are Inadequate

Why me? Why not me?

Since I have experienced a decline in my health, the question of "Why Me?" has often entered my mind. Why do I not have enough strength to walk through the aisles of a grocery store, when others can run for miles?  Why is my body sick, when other people have healthy bodies?  Why am I so limited in what my body will do and others have the freedom to move about and do as they please?  Why are seemingly simple tasks so difficult for me to accomplish?  

Sometimes my mind wants to play a loop that repeats: "Unfair, unfair, unfair."

The problem with this loop of complaining and comparing is that it only leads to misery.  Whenever I find myself in these destructive thought patterns, I know that I have to pull myself out of them before I spiral down a dark hole.

As I have looked for inspiration and hope in dealing with the discouragement of chronic illness, I have looked to a lot of people that have overcome difficult things.  I read and listen to these people’s stories and I realize how many truly difficult trials people face.  I realize that my trials are small compared to so many people.  I realize that God is providing me with everything I need, even if I want more.  I realize that this life is filled with trials, disappointment and discouragement.  I realize that nobody is immune from the challenges and heartaches of life.  

In listening to one such story, I listened to a woman that experienced the tragic loss of her child.  She said, "Why not me?"  She said that so many people go through difficult things, so "Why not me?"

That thought struck me with so much force and it changed my point of view.  Now when I find myself in a loop of negativity and thinking, "Why me?" I change my thoughts to "Why not me?"

If everybody goes through heart wrenching difficulties in some form or other, why not me?  If some people go through truly horrific challenges, why do I complain when I still have so much and am learning to manage what I don’t have.  Why not me?  Why not now?  Why not this experience at this time in my life?  

If my Savior Jesus Christ suffered more injustice, more pain, and more agony than I ever will, then why not me?  Things were truly the most unfair for our Savior, yet He did all that our Father asked of Him.  Christ suffered all things for us and because He suffered these things, He knows how to help, lift and strengthen me.

The Book of Mormon prophet Alma teaches this beautiful doctrine about Jesus Christ:

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."  Alma 7:11-12

When I stop waiting for life to be easy and without challenge, I can more clearly see all the good in my life.  When I stop comparing my worst to others best, I can see that I already have everything I need to be happy now.  And when I stop asking, "Why me?"  I can accept what I have been given and make the most of it.  After all, God is not comparing me to my neighbor.  He is not asking me why I am not doing all of the amazing things that she is doing.  He only wants me to make the best of what I have been given and move forward with faith and optimism.  Asking "Why not me?"  helps me move forward instead of backward.  It helps me make the most of what I have been given.  And I truly have been given much.

Intrisic Value

I believe that for a lot of years I have lived by a false belief.  I have lived believing that part of my value is directly connected to what I accomplish.  When I would do something great, I would feel good about myself and receive praise from others.  These good feelings and praise fueled my desire to keep doing good.  Doing good things is good.  But believing that doing those good things is what makes you of worth, can be destructive.

I don't think I realized how destructive those false beliefs were until I suddenly found myself being able to accomplish very little.  When I could no longer do things for my family, friends, neighbors or church community, it left me feeling that I had little worth.  The false truth of: "The more good I do, the more more value I have" turned into: "I have less worth, because I can accomplish less."  I struggled with feelings of being a burden to my family.  I worried that friends would not find value in me because of my diminished capacity.  These feelings led to discouragement and a false belief in my worth.

The truth is that our worth has nothing to do with our accomplishments.  We cannot increase or decrease our value with the amount of good works that we perform.

We have intrinsic value as a child of God.

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."  Romans 8:16-18

This is one of my favorite scriptures!  I love that reminder that we are truly children of God.  I love the hope that not only do we have great worth, but we will one day see our true glory revealed in ourselves.

I believe that God already sees this glorified potential in each of us.  He sees us for who and what we truly are.  The challenge that we face in mortality is to learn to see our true worth and live accordingly.

We are children of God and our actions do not change that great truth.  A hundred dollar bill still has the same worth whether it is old and crumpled or crisp and new. And no matter how old and crumpled we feel, we will one day be made crisp and new through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Strong trees

Widow's Mite

As I lay here this morning, I can tell that this is going to be a low energy day.  A low energy day means that I need to be extra careful with how I use my limited supply of energy.  It means that I need to decide what is really important for me to get done today and plan around that, cutting out extra things.  Some days cutting out extra things means not washing my hair.  Some days it means changing dinner plans from the soup I was going to make, to heating up a box of pasta and a jar of sauce.  On a really low energy day it means asking one of my kids to heat up the food.  

Often, it means not doing something that somebody else can do instead.  It means that even though I was planning on going to my daughter's concert,  I will stay home while my husband goes and makes a video recording of the concert.  We will later gather around the computer while I watch the recording of the concert instead of the live version.  I'll try to be positive and give her lots of extra praise and hope it makes up for the fact that I've missed another event.  I'll tell her that I will try to make it to the next one even though we both know that there is no guarantee that the next time I'll have any more energy than I did this time.

Even before I was sick, I wanted more energy.  I always felt like there was more that I wanted to get done than I ever could accomplish.  Now, however, energy is like water in the desert; it alludes me and escapes from my grasp.  It is a precious resource that I am trying to secure.  I'm always sure that I see an oasis up ahead, but when I arrive I realize that I am still surrounded by desert.

This morning I was reading the story of the widow's mite and I felt like that widow.  She was lacking money and I am lacking energy, but we both are lacking a precious resource.

"And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites. And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had." Luke 21:1-4

I feel like I have so little to give, but I am grateful that God only asks me to give what I have.  When I give of my meager offering, He accepts it.  My family too, is patient and understanding and accept what I have to offer.

Perhaps I used to have more energy, but I think I wasted a lot of it before.  I had the abundance, but I didn't always use it for the most important things.  I feel that having such limited energy has made me reconsider how I spend this meager resource.  Having less energy has helped me to see how precious my moments are.  Maybe all I have the energy to do today is to lay in bed and listen to my daughters tell me about their days, but I will cherish those moments.  I cherish having my kids gather in my room as we laugh and cry about the things that life throws their way.  I don't want to be distracted by other things.  The resource of my time and energy are precious and I don't want to waste them on things of lesser importance. 

Like the widow, I may not have much to give, but I will give all that I have and the rest tends to work itself out.  That is the miracle of acknowledging the Savior in our life: He accepts what we offer and He makes up the difference.  

A grateful heart

This message came to me several times in the past week: "Be Grateful."  January is a long, cold and dark month and consequently, during this month I find myself needing to be reminded that I have many things for which to be grateful.

 Last year as I watched my health steadily decline every day, I started keeping track of my diminished capacity.  To better explain my health to doctors, I started a list of every health problem that I was experiencing.  My list started to be a big list of all of the things that I could no longer accomplish.  Though it may have been effective to explain the digression of my health, it was not good for my mental health to focus so much on my "I can't" list.

 When my health was at it's worst and I barely had the strength to get our of bed, I realized that I needed to start focusing on what I could accomplish.  I needed a new list, one that focused on the positive; my "I can" list.  As I lay in bed, I thought of how grateful I was to be alive.  Being brought so low physically helped me to see how precious my life really was.  I was grateful for my heartbeat and for each breath I breathed.  I was grateful for the fact that I could get out of bed, even if it was with great difficulty.  I was grateful for all of the people that were there to take care of each of my needs.  I was grateful for good healthcare to help me recover.  I was grateful to finally have a diagnosis.  I found that once I started to turn my heart and mind towards gratitude, my difficulties didn't feel so overwhelming.

I've heard it said that a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.  I think that the real miracle that can occur when we live life with a grateful heart, is the miracle of a change of perspective.  When we start to see the proverbial glass as half full, instead of half empty, life really does change for the better.  A study of psychology shows that our reality is based largely on how we perceive our lives.  That means that the power to change our lives lies within each of us and can be truly as simple as a change of perspective.  This power to change our lives truly is a miracle.

The reminder to be grateful is something that I need frequently.  Sometimes life falls short of our expectations.  Sometimes, our challenges can threaten to overwhelm and destroy us.  But life is a gift.  No matter what difficulties we encounter, we can be happier if we live our lives with a grateful heart.